October 13, 2010, 7:46 am
Filed under: dear diary, getting on with it, silence please, snap happy

I want to see inside Alain de Botton’s brain and find what it is that gets his mind wandering off the topic (On Distraction) because for me it’s novelty chandeliers all the way… xx


when the bee stings
October 8, 2010, 12:10 am
Filed under: dear diary, getting on with it, the beginning and the end

It’s all thunder and lightning in Suva right now and the rain has proved somewhat cathartic. As mentioned in my last post things have been incredibly hectic- while I made a commitment to extend my writing beyond personal list-making, I need to take time out to self indulge and reflect on the past couple of weeks and my relationships with others, and more importantly with myself. let’s rename  this post- ‘stress and those who cannot share the load’…

There are things that make me moderately stressed- like losing keys, meeting deadlines, my bank account, being on time, the list goes on- my heartbeat might rise a little but it’s pretty mild and I can generally ask for help if needed and deal with that which comes my way (I guess ‘that’ in this case means ‘life’)… but there are other issues and events that make my heart rate raise to such extremes that my head starts to pump and I can feel a tumour in the form of ‘stressful issue or event’ starting to grow, blocking my vision and thus all clear, reasonable thought. In these cases, I find it really difficult to ask for help. And when it’s offered I simply have no time for it- I just want to deal with things myself.

As I get older, I slowly realise that this process of internalising has deeper impacts on my relationships with those close to me and furthermore, with my self. I don’t tell my best friend about losing money on eBay because I think it’s too embarrassing (luckily in this case it was acutally eBay’s fault and I received my money back). I lash out at my boyfriend when he tries to offer solutions to impending case brought against me by our old landlord and storm out of the room when he tries to calm me down- this may also have something to do with the fact that  I just want him to take control. Overall, I become secretive, guilty and impossible to budge. I feel ‘stupid’, like I’m causing trouble, like I don’t want to be the one with the ‘shitty personal admin problem’… plus I also start thinking that everyone else is ‘stupid’ for not just magically fixing it… brat alert…

So.. to avoid feeling these things I’m going to start dealing with them, and start realising that some things are just bad luck, while others are just little bits of life coming my way. I’m not saying that to deal with them I need to start blabbing around town, but I do need to learn to ask for help or support, and to accept it when it arrives….. xx

(as an after thought- i’d also like to add that i’m always on the look out for new and interesting ways to make life harder for myself…. because that’s how i roll…. )

stream of consciousness: out / real writing: in
September 15, 2010, 12:13 pm
Filed under: dear diary, getting on with it

no more lists of babble and drab- starting from my next post i’m going to actually get my shit together and start writing coherent, full length SENTENCES. i’ve been hesitant in putting my actual real life ‘pen to paper’ diary into the blogosphere, but i’m beginning to realise that sharing is the new black and people are starting to open up more and more to the experiences of others as they seek ‘authenticity’, creativity and more open social environments (mostly facilitated by social networking and media). and so the challenge to myself is to open up more and more and not get left behind. my decision comes from hours, days, weeks & months of trawling through blogs and online magazines in order to learn about my own blogging style and the direction i want my blog to go in. this, of course, without blatantly copying. so, with this in mind, here are links to four blogs that have inspired, influenced and challenged me to be a ‘better’ blogger;

1. What Possessed Me

2. HorsePigCow- a world uncommon

3. Kate Kendall

4.  Jolie O’Dell

Tell me about the blogs you’ve found and I will surely update the list as my inspirations evolve/I find new blogging delights!

one hand in my pocket
July 27, 2010, 4:09 am
Filed under: getting on with it, GIRL CRUSHIN', snap happy

the land has eyes and teeth
May 18, 2010, 12:39 am
Filed under: f-f-f-fiji, getting on with it, the beginning and the end

my list of ‘cities i’ve lived in’ has increased by one and oh how ‘stuff white people like” of me to say it considering i’m only up to my third (canberra, melbourne, suva).  ok so the list looks kind of pathetic but i’ve been thinking  on the experiences i’ve had with the first two cities (suva is early days!), how they are different, how i’ve evolved (and at times, regressed), who i have met, what i’ve learnt from them and how all of these seem to relate to how the hell i’ve found myself in Suva-  almost an  ‘on giants shoulders’  revelation. in canberra i was trying to get away from growing up in the country and making every mistake possible to distance myself from that- i learnt that talking shit was ok,  recovery parties are almost definitely ALWAYS shit and that P’s make degrees.  in melbourne i was moving forward with experiences i had and people i’d met in canberra and learning about myself as a ‘grown up’- talking shit became a fine art, recovery parties were still almost definitely ALWAYS shit and thus evolved into just taking heaps of acid so that recovery was next to impossible until sleep, and that always trying to get out of things is actually more stressful than just fucking doing them.  suva seems to be about putting all that crap i learnt from all those experiences and people and actually being a ‘grown up’  – also add into the equation that no one knows me here and it almost feels like i’ve left home again for the first time and i’m on my own to go forth into the world with whatever my parents remembered to teach me/whatever i remembered to remember.  it’s the old  ‘horse to water’ adage.  canberra and melbourne were good to me and i hope the suva is the same- stay tuned for city #4. Suggestions? xx

figure it out
April 11, 2010, 12:03 pm
Filed under: getting on with it

if you feel the urge to freak do the jitterbug (or get homicidal)
March 16, 2010, 5:31 am
Filed under: dear diary, getting on with it, the beginning and the end

ransacking, hyperventilating, saying things you don’t mean, playing make believe, freaking out for no good reason, emotional responsibility (a recurring theme), movies, sleep, packing, getting out of here, glitch-hop, tell it all to go away, adventure time, boat people, party time, good people, tits for tips, impending unemployment, re-kindling my relationship with prince (who am i kidding? that flame never wanes.), beige blap. xx